A Year of Ups and Downs

It has been exactly one year and one day since my last blog post. I have not posted a blog all year but I never stopped writing. Early 2019 had a domino of transitions that felt like they wouldn’t stop. I moved through from change to change never quite finding my grounding or feeling settled. During that time I continued writing stories, essays, and poetry. I also settled in to a new apartment, completed a year at my new job, and have been slowly working to feel at home in a new city.

Like many of you, I have had many ups and downs. I think every single person I have spoken to agrees that 2019 kicked a lot of people’s asses and 2020 has had a lot of WTF moments and we’re not even half way through it! For me, there have been moments that have changed me and challenged me. Especially now during this pandemic those ups and downs have been magnified tenfold. Though I have made many great strides over the last year, the last two months have reminded me that I still have a lot of healing left to do.

Vision board

The hardest thing has been determining what is the first step I have to take after the big leap I took to move to a new place to start over. Taking that first step has given me so much anxiety. It feels like I am just spinning in place rather than actually moving forward. Today I woke up determined to take a step toward whatever is in store for me. To do that I referenced the vision board that I made back in February at an event in Oakland hosted by Las Lunadas. It was a wonderful experience to be in a room full of strangers that became friends over the course of a few hours simply by creating vision boards and sharing their stories together.  It reminded me that finding community and making myself at home in a new place is a process that takes time. Luckily, I have already started to settle in even while spinning in place. Below is a poem I wrote inspired by my vision board:

A vision of home

Be ready
Your inner compass knows the way 
You are whole
You are enough 
From this day forward 
Rooted in the sweetness of your life 
You will bathe and swim in honey 
Slather the building blocks of your new life with it 
Your destiny will stick to it 
Rise as both queen and worker bee
Maker and creator of your magnificent hive  
Laugh for it
Reach for it
Breathe for it 
Discover life in color
You will be pleased with it  
Brown and blue like soil and sea
Grey and green like sky and tree 
Your life will be a garden
blooming flowers and bearing fruit 
years of labor will be rewarded 
Rising like suns and mountains 
You will shine, mija, you will shine 
The life you built will be a work of art 
so live loud and be free woman 
You are powerful and already home

Whenever I feel lost and out of sorts (which has been a lot recently) I look at that board and read this poem. I do that in hopes that it will remind me of what I want in life and give me the push I need to finally take a step and stop spinning in a circle. Today it was just what I needed to pull out my Instant Pot to cook in and FINALLY write a new blog post. I am excited for what is to come and what I will be able to share here. Stay tuned for some exciting things and, as always, thanks for reading.


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